


Lost and found

by LovelyAkuma



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, i am so sorry i actually love akiteru, so akiteru's dead from the start, tsukki and yama meet at akiteru's funeral, tw for drowning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 21:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3183443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyAkuma/pseuds/LovelyAkuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kei loses the person he loved the most, and it's then that he finds someone else that slowly but steadily becomes as important.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost and found

If another person walked to Kei to tell him how sorry they were —if someone dared to touch him again and look at him with pitying eyes like he was a fucking walking charity case— he’d go insane and the next funeral would be theirs.

He didn’t need a bunch of stupid well-dressed adults reminding him that his brother was dead. His brain did it at least once every ten minutes.

He needed to escape, get some time for himself to mourn his brother on his own. But walking out the only door in the room meant walking past the wall of relatives blocking it, which meant more _I’m sorry’_ s and pats on the back and heavy handshakes and pitying gazes, and he would scream. He needed some place to escape, and he needed it inside the room.

He sighed and walked to the large table set on the back of the room. It was full of food and drinks, because apparently that’s what his dad’s family was used to.

He grabbed a bottle of something he didn’t recognize nor cared to identify and drank half of it in one go, the strong alcohol burning his throat as it went down.

Feeling dizzy, he turned around and looked at the crowd. Adults and teenagers were scattered across the room, some crying, other chatting, others drinking or eating. He had never seen so many people gathered, not even at Akiteru’s birthday, but here they were, all together in one room because Akiteru was dead.

Here it was.

_Akiteru is dead_ , he though, and felt like he was drowning, even if the one who had drown had been Akiteru.

He managed no to fall to his knees by firmly grabbing the table, the long cloth clasped tightly into his fist. He focused his gaze in the long cloth that covered the table and its legs completely, and before he could think about it, he was already crawling under the table, closing his eyes.

He breathed in deeply as he curled on himself holding his knees close to his chest, and then let the air out slowly, opening his eyes.

He had expected to find wooden table legs and white tablecloth walls. Instead, he was met with surprised dark eyes on a freckled face. The boy was tall —not as tall as Kei, but tall still— and frankly cute, dressed in a black suit, his tie on the floor.

“What are you doing here?” Kei asked the boy.

The boy blinked.

“Too many people make me anxious, and funerals more,” the boy said looking away. “I never know what to say.”

“Why are you here, then?”

“My mom and Tsukishima-kun’s mom were friends. I saw him a couple of times… Mom didn’t want to come alone, so I had to come with her.”

“ _Had to_?” Kei repeated under his breath.

“Why are you here, under the table?” the boy asked him.

“Same as you. And my mother took away my headphones.”

“I see… I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi, by the way,” he said smiling shyly at him.

“Tsukishima Kei,” he answered dryly.

Yamaguchi opened his eyes wide.

“So you’re Tsukishima-kun’s…”

“Brother. Yes. Can we not talk about him?”

“Sorry. I’ll leave you alone.”

Kei looked away.

“I never said you had to. Just… don’t talk about him.”

Yamaguchi nodded but instead of saying anything, he crawled out from under the table. Kei didn’t have enough time to consider whether he was relieved or not that the boy had left, because he was already back under the table before he could miss him. And he was carrying a small plate with French fries.

“What are those for?”

“You eat them? They taste good.”

“We are at a funeral.”

“Whose?” the boy asked faking innocence.

Kei sighed and picked one from the plate, and he had to admit they were good.

“Why French fries, though?”

“They are my favorite. I didn’t know yours, so I went for mine. If you don’t like them, I can bring you something else—”

Yamaguchi started up, but Kei caught him by the hand. Yamaguchi’s hand was warm, and he had freckles on every knuckle.

“Shut up. This is okay,” he said simply.

Yamaguchi smiled warmly and grabbed a fry.

“Sorry, Tsu— How should I call you?”

“Tsukishima is fine.”

“But Tsukishima-kun’s how I called… someone else.”

Kei almost laughed, because Yamaguchi was actually avoiding mentioning his brother like he had asked.

“Anything’s fine. Just not Kei.” _Nii-chan calls me Kei_.

“Tsukki,” he decided, pleased with himself.

Kei rolled his eyes.

“Don’t expect me to give you a stupid nickname too.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi replied, looking actually pleased that Kei liked his new nickname. “So, if French fries are not your favorite, which are?”

“Strawberry shortcake.”

Yamaguchi muffled a laugh.

“That’s so not what I’d expect!” he said between laughs. “But I know how to make good strawberry shortcakes. I’ll make you one some day,” he added with a bright smile.

They kept the small talk going for what felt like hours and, somehow, Kei wasn’t exhausted by it. Yamaguchi’s voice was sweet and nice, he didn’t mind hearing it. And Yamaguchi was actually nice to be around. He let Kei reply to his comments but never demanded more than what Kei had to say.

As some point, Yamaguchi lay down and kept talking, his words slurring together in a low voice that ended up fading completely when the boy fell asleep, his face less than a meter from Kei.

He was sleeping peacefully and quietly as if he weren’t at a funeral under a table.

Only then did Kei remember where he was: under a table at his brother’s funeral. He had forgotten about it for a couple of hours thanks to that strange and beautiful boy that slept like the world was a kind and trustworthy place.

Kei folded his jacket and used it as an impromptu pillow for Yamaguchi to use and stayed there, silently, looking away from the boy, feeling like he was witnessing some intimate secret.

Still, he couldn’t help but glance at him once or twice —or perhaps it had been more.

He only woke him up when he heard voices looking for both of them.

They crawled out from under the table and Yamaguchi smiled at him.

“Sorry for falling asleep on you, like that, Tsukki.”

“It’s nothing.”

“But you took care of me, and even lent me your jacket. You’re so cool! Will you be at home tomorrow?”

“I guess…”

“Then I’ll bring you that strawberry shortcake I promised you!” he said, and was out before Kei could refuse, which was a good thing, since Kei wasn’t sure he wanted to refuse.

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~ 

After the funeral, when Kei got back home, he grabbed his headphones and lay in bed, not really sleeping. He set his music loud and closed his eyes, trying to stop from thinking too much about anything, because if he did, he would remember his brother being taken by the canal and how his own body when rigid and he couldn’t move and he hadn’t been able to—

He breathed slowly in an out and turned the volume up until he couldn’t hear his own thoughts and lay there, the hours passing around him while he didn’t really mind.

His parents never came in to ask him how he felt or if he was hungry or wanted anything, and he preferred it that way.

He fell asleep still dressed in his suit shirt and trousers and was woken up by his mother shaking him gently.

He took off his headphones —his phone had ran out of battery at some point anyway— and blinked at her.

“Someone came to see you,” she explained herself. “He says he’s your friend and was supposed to come today.”

“Who?”

“Yamaguchi-kun.”

He looked at the door and saw the freckled boy that he had met under table. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt now, and stood nervously at the door.

Before he could even complain about how he didn’t want to see anyone, his mother was already urging Yamaguchi to get into the room and then closed the door behind her as she left.

“I brought you the cake,” Yamaguchi said, stepping a little closer to him. “Your mom said she would make tea. I told her it wasn’t necessary but she seemed so eager I just couldn’t—”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi. It’s fine,” he said standing up.

“Sorry, Tsukki.”

Kei scratched the back of his head and then pointed at the coffee table.

“Sit down,” he said, standing up to get a change of clothes.

Yamaguchi did as he said, and Kei got into the bathroom to get changed.

He looked at the window and realized it was already dark outside. He’d been in bed for most of the day, but, then again, there wasn’t much to do.

He washed his face, not paying much attention to how tired he looked, and went back into his room.

Two cups of tea had been placed on the table, as well as one of the most glorious-looking strawberry shortcakes he had seen in his life, but Yamaguchi wasn’t there. The boy was by the window, admiring Kei’s telescope.

“I think it’s more interesting when you are actually looking through it, rather than looking at it,” he said, startling Yamaguchi, who gave a step backwards and nearly knocked an entire bookshelf.

“Sorry, Tsukki! I just really like telescopes…”

“Do you have one?”

“No, they’re too expensive.”

Kei walked to the telescope and adjusted it. “You can use mine, then,” he said, pointing at it when he was finished.

Yamaguchi smiled brightly and nodded, taking the telescope with extreme care and looking through it marveled.

“It’s amazing, Tsukki! The stars are so beautiful, aren’t they?”

Kei rested against the bookshelf and looked at Yamaguchi. The moonlight washed the boy’s face and Kei almost saw his freckles lit up under the pale light, the boy completely oblivious to the fact that he had stars scattered all over his body.

“They really are beautiful,” Kei finally replied, never looking at the sky.

Yamaguchi looked at him and smiled, luckily to Kei not realizing he had been watching him. The boy looked at the coffee table and stepped away from the telescope.

“The tea will get cold,” he said, and walked away from the moonlight into the room.

“Yeah,” was all Kei said, following him to the table. “I didn’t think you would actually come,” he said as Yamaguchi cut the cake.

Yamaguchi looked at him surprised.

“I told you I would, didn’t I? It did take me longer than expected because I wanted to make it perfect,” he added with an apologetic smile.

“Why?”

“Because it’s your favorite,” he replied.

“You don’t have to try so hard,” he said and took a bite of the strawberry shortcake. It was the best one he had had in a long time, sweet and soft. “Are you doing it because you feel like you have to care of me because of what happened to nii-chan?”

Yamaguchi looked at him with a mix of sadness and surprise, and swallowed the piece of cake he had in his mouth before answering with another question.

“Why were you so nice yesterday?”

Kei took a time to answer, trying to think of a reason that wasn’t _because you looked cute when you were asleep_ , but couldn’t come up with anything.

“I don’t know,” he said.

“But you felt like being nice, even if it was for no apparent reason. Same with me,” Yamaguchi said, and continued eating his cake, the conversation over.

“You’re weird,” Kei told him.

“Sorry.”

Kei looked away.

“It’s not a bad thing,” he said and took another bite of his cake. “This is really good.”

“I’m glad! Next time I can get you more, or perhaps another thing?”

“Next time?”

“Do you not want me to come back? Because if you don’t want me to come I can—”

“I’d rather apple pie next time,” he said, not looking at him, but managing to note a smile on the boy’s lips. “But don’t bring food every time you come, Yamaguchi. I don’t want to get fat.”

Yamaguchi laughed.

“Okay, Tsukki,” he said, and, like that, they basically became friends.

 ~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

Yamaguchi spent a lot of time at Kei’s house. Kei liked his presence. He didn’t speak about stupid things like the weather or economy but didn’t bring up the subject of Akiteru, though he listened to Kei when he talked about him randomly.

Kei wasn’t sure if it was sudden or gradual, but Yamaguchi became a kind of light in his life, putting some color into every room he stepped into. Kei realized at some point that not even before everything happened had he felt so whole and happy by someone else’s side.

Whenever Yamaguchi wasn’t around, Kei felt the urge to come back to his side, to hear him talk over the muffled sound of the low volume of his music, to count his freckles again, to make sure he hadn’t missed any. And in those moments of loneliness, thinking about him actually comforted him.

Kei realized he had fallen in love with Yamaguchi.

And he knew he didn’t deserve him.

One thing was being able to be by his side, but another thing was being the one Yamaguchi chose. It didn’t have anything to do with them being both boys —he didn’t like Yamaguchi because he was a boy, he liked Yamaguchi because hewas Yamaguchi—; it had more to do with the fact that Kei was an asshole and Yamaguchi was a light he wasn’t supposed to touch.

All Kei allowed himself to hope was for Yamaguchi never to realize how much better he could do, how he could just find someone better to be around all the time. He selfishly hoped that Yamaguchi would forever remain his friend.

And one day their friendship almost crumbled apart, and it was all Kei’s fault —obviously.

 ~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

Yamaguchi was staying over at Kei’s house because he wanted to watch the stars. He was gazing at the stars in the sky while Kei gazed at the stars on Yamaguchi’s skin.

He suddenly turned around to look at Kei and smiled excitedly.

“I heard there’s going to be a meteor shower next week, Tsukki! I was thinking we could go to the canal, because it’s the best place to watch it according to the website, and if we bring the telescope we could—”

“No.”

Yamaguchi was a little taken aback by Kei’s blunt answer but kept smiling and talking nonetheless.

“Okay, okay. We don’t have to bring the telescope if you don’t want. We can see it fine without it, and it’s actually prettier because we can see the meteors reflected on the water. Isn’t that great?”

“I don’t want to go.”

“Why not? I thought you liked stargazing!” he said and pouted. “It won’t last long, and it will be fun—”

“Yamaguchi.”

“And if you want I can bake you a strawberry cake or anything you want really—”

“ _Shut up!_ ” he shouted over Yamaguchi’s ramblings. “I am _not_ going to the canal to watch a stupid meteor shower, I don’t care how fun it is or what you give me to eat. Stop being so annoying and fucking pushy for once!”

When he saw Yamaguchi’s face, he wanted to kick himself in the face.

The boy looked at him with the most painful mix of horror and sadness he had ever seen, his eyes watery, as if he was trying hard to hold back the tears.

He smiled and gave a step back from Kei to the door.

“Sorry, Tsukki. I guess I am annoying. I won’t bother you anymore, okay?”

Before Kei could say anything, Yamaguchi darted out of the room, leaving him speechless by the telescope. He placed a hand on the focuser, still warm with Yamaguchi’s warmth, and sighed.

“I’m such a fucking asshole,” he muttered to himself. “But he’s so much better without me,” he said walking to his bed and grabbing his headphones. “He’s better off without me.”

He put on his headphones, and lay down, like he had done a long time ago until Yamaguchi had walked into his room. He had just walked out, and Kei guessed it was only fair to put them on again.

He closed his eyes and hoped the strong loud music could melt his brain, but before that happened, his mother came into the room and took his headphones off slowly.

“What happened with Yamaguchi-kun?” she asked him, concerned tainting her beautiful features.

“He left.”

“No kidding. The question here is why.”

“I… He’s better like that,” he said and turned away from his mother, focusing his gaze on the wall.

“You’re _so_ dramatic, Kei.” His mother sighed and patted his head. “I don’t think Yamaguchi-kun really thinks that way. I know you think that he only comes because he doesn’t realize you are the ugly creature you —completely mistakenly— think you’re. But the kid’s not stupid, Kei. He knows how you’re, and he isn’t bothered by it. You should talk to him.” When Kei didn’t reply, his mother leaned forward to whisper into his ear: “And he’s a really good cook, I wouldn’t mind him being my son-in-law,” she said and stood up, ignoring Kei’s flushed face. “I hope you talk about it soon,” she said and left him to die in embarrassment on his own.

He wished Akiteru was with him. He would have known what to say, what to do, how to make Kei feel better, even if Kei never thanked him for it.

But he wasn’t with him, and it was all Kei fault.

That was why he couldn’t go back to that canal. And it wasn’t Yamaguchi’s fault that he was a fucking coward.

He sighed and decided he’d talk with Yamaguchi the next day.

 ~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

He rang the bell of Yamaguchi’s house and waited nervously on the doorstep.

The one to open the door was a surprised Yamaguchi. His eyes were red and swollen, as if he had been crying the night before. Kei hated himself a little more —if that was even possible— knowing he had made Yamaguchi cry.

“Tsukki?”

“I’m sorry,” he said so abruptly that Yamaguchi’s eyes widened.

“It’s… It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. You shouldn’t be okay with me treating you like that.”

Yamaguchi stared at him with his mouth half open as if he was staring at a unicorn instead of at Kei apologizing.

“Do you want to come in?” he asked weakly.

“Actually, yes,” Kei said nodding and followed Yamaguchi into his room. “I want to tell you something,” he said as he sat down next to Yamaguchi on his bed.

“I’m listening, Tsukki.”

“Yes… Well… Do you know how nii-chan died?”

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened. It was the first time the talked about Akiteru’s death. Whenever they talked about him, it was just about things he had done or said when he had been alive.

“He drowned…” His voice trailed off and then he covered his mouth with his hand in realization, “Oh, Tsukki, I am so stupid! I’m sorry I—”

Kei raised a finger in front of Yamaguchi, gently telling him to listen to him.

“Yes, he drowned. I… We were by the canal, walking at night. Nii-chan wanting to talk with me about how he wanted to change career, and he was scared of telling mom and dad after all this time. He said he wanted me to know first because he needed support and knew I would support him, because I always... had his back.” He brought his knees up and hugged them tightly, looking at the blanket rather than at Yamaguchi. “I don’t really know how it happened, but he… he fell into the water and I… He’s a great swimmer, so I thought he’d come out on his own. But apparently he was shaken up pretty badly from the fall and he just couldn’t focus. And I couldn’t move. I knew I had to jump into the water, but I couldn’t. I watched him die. It’s my fault he’s dead. He said he trusted me to have his back and I just stared at him while he drown instead of jumping like I should have because I was—”

He stopped mid-sentence when a couple of strong arms hugged him tightly against a hard chest. Yamaguchi hushed him softly, holding him tightly. Kei was grateful. He was afraid that if he Yamaguchi let go of him, he would end up shattering into pieces.

“It wasn’t your fault, Tsukki,” he said softly. “It was an accident and you happened to be there. We don’t have to go to canal, okay? I’m sorry I asked. We don’t have to go, so don’t worry.”

_How can he be such a good person?_ Kei though and felt like crying, but he didn’t want to seem even more pathetic to Yamaguchi.

He breathed in slowly and, shaking his head, drew himself away from him.

“No. I’ll have to go eventually, and I’d rather go with you… If you want.”

Yamaguchi smiled at him and nodded. “Okay, then we’ll go. We can go whenever you want and leave when you feel like leaving.”

“You’re so weird… But that’s not a bad thing,” he added before Yamaguchi could apologize.

The boy just smiled at him.

 ~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

They got to the side of the canal about an hour before the shower was supposed to start. As promised, Kei brought his telescope and Yamaguchi a cake.

Kei walked slowly towards the land at the side of the canal and he didn’t know when it had started, but when they reached the place they chose to settle their things, Yamaguchi was firmly wrapping his hand around Kei’s. It was enough to stop Kei from running away.

“We can leave whenever you want,” Yamaguchi reminded him.

Kei nodded and started preparing the telescope.

Yamaguchi settled the food on a tablecloth he had brought from home and smiled at Kei.

“You can watch at stars,” Kei told him, and was pleased when Yamaguchi walked to him excitedly and leaned over the telescope to watch the stars.

The full moon bathed him like the first night they did just this, and Kei couldn’t help but stare in awe. How could a person be so beautiful, in and out? How could someone deserve being by the side of someone as amazing as Yamaguchi?

The boy looked at him and smiled.

“Do you want to see the stars, Tsukki?”

 “I am,” he said, his gaze still on Yamaguchi. “They’re on your skin.”

And with that, he dared take a single step forward, his hand out to cup Yamaguchi’s face, slowly asking and silently asking for permission to want more.

Yamaguchi opened his eyes wide and shifted nervously as if he didn’t know what to do with his body and knocked the telescope off with his elbow.

The boy mumbled a _shit_ under his breath and reached out to grab the telescope before it fell into the water. He managed to grab the telescope, but lost balance, falling into the waters.

For an instant, Kei went completely still, paralyzed by the strongest fear he had ever felt in his life. Yamaguchi’s head resurfaced from under the waters, trying to catch his breath and swim against the tide, and it was all it took for Kei’s paralyzing fear to turn into adrenaline.

He jumped into the water and managed to grab Yamaguchi, who was struggling to keep his head above the level of the water. He held the boy tightly as if his whole depended on it —and maybe not his life, but his sanity did— and swam to the shore, pulling Yamaguchi into land and safety.

He lay the boy down on dry land and kneeled next to him. Yamaguchi’s eyes were closed.

“Yamaguchi, open your eyes,” he said searching for any wounds in the boy’s body. “Please, Yamaguchi, I beg you,” he said. The boy was breathing, and that almost calmed him down, but Kei needed to hear his voice. He cupped Yamaguchi’s cheek into his shaky palm. “Please, open your eyes. Talk to me, Yamaguchi.”

Just when Kei was starting to panic, Yamaguchi opened his eyes slowly and smiled apologetically at him.

“Sorry, Tsukki. I dropped your telescope.”

With a wrecked sigh of relief, Kei leaned over and hid his face in Yamaguchi’s chest.

Yamaguchi ran his fingers through Tsukki’s hair soothingly.

“I’m alive, Tsukki.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m okay.”

“I know.”

“Then stop crying.”

Kei lifted his face to look at Yamaguchi but couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. Yamaguchi ran his thumb under Kei’s eyes, wiping his tears away.

“I thought I’d lose you too,” Kei said, his voice strangled. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t…”

Yamaguchi smiled softly at him and pecked at Kei’s lips.

“I’m here, see? You haven’t lost me. So don’t cry.”

Kei smiled back at him, leaned over slowly and kissed him. Yamaguchi entangled his fingers through Kei’s hair to pull him closer as he kissed him back.

The meteor shower started above them, but they were too distracted to notice.

 ~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

The cemetery was mostly deserted, except for Kei, who walked slowly and almost solemnly hand in hand with Tadashi.

They stopped in front of Akiteru’s tombstone and Kei squeezed Tadashi’s hand tightly, but Tadashi didn’t complain.

“Hello, nii-chan…” he started awkwardly. Tadashi didn’t say anything, just waited for him to keep to talking. “I haven’t come in a while, but this is an important date, so I thought I should come. This is Yamaguchi Tadashi… but you already know him…” he trailed off, unsure how to go on. Tadashi just smiled reassuringly at him, so he continued. “Today it’s been a year since you died, and when it happened, I thought I would dread this date forever, that I would lock myself at home every time the calendar marked your death and feel all alone… But, it’s also the day I met Tadashi. He’s my boyfriend, nii-chan,” he said, and felt proud of saying that word.

Yamaguchi bowed and smiled at the tombstone.

“I know you would be afraid of me being alone,” Kei continued. “I was afraid of being all alone when you died… But I’m not alone now. I will forever miss you, nii-chan. But I want you to rest in peace knowing that I will never be alone, right, Tadashi?”

Tadashi smiled and squeezed his hand back. “Yes, Kei.”

Kei smiled back at him. Tadashi had replaced the bad memories he had of Akiteru with good ones of his own, and now, when he thought of his brother he saw his bright and encouraging smile, and not a drowning figure in the canal that was now one of his favorite places to walk by.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! I wrote it last night and I cried so I hope you cried too (tbh I had to stop when Tsukki yelled at Yamaguchi because I nearly started sobbing...)  
> The general starting idea was actually little Kei and little Yama meeting under a table at some kind of gathering and I had that idea for a while but then I watched Big Hero 6 and it turned into this angsty long one shot... Not that I'm complaining, though.  
> Leave your comments if you liked it!  
> Hopefully I'll have some more angsty tsukkiyama and crying Tsukki because that's what fuels my life!


End file.
